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09 January 2006 @ 12:35 am
Write a letter to anyone about anything.  
Locked from ALL muses

Say what you have always wanted to say but have been afraid to.


There are a lot of things I’ve wanted to say to you in the course of my life. Though, we both know most of it was made up so everything before I was 13 I’m just going to leave out. Those monks were pretty creative you know, because I have some memories that are just weird, ones I know aren’t just me being tacked on to what actually happened. Monks really shouldn’t be that creative, seriously. They are stuck in a monastery reading about whatever it is they read about all day; they never get out and never have sex so you’d think creativity wouldn’t be their strong point. Enough about the monks, I’m not trying to stall or anything.

I read your diary a lot when I was a kid, even at 13 because I thought you were the most interesting person I knew. Some of it was definitely because you were a slayer but I think it was just sisterly affection disguised as ammunition to get out of doing chores; which I should note I didn’t use very often. I stopped after I found out I wasn’t real, I figured maybe there were things I really shouldn’t or didn’t want to know and maybe if I respected your privacy I wouldn’t find out that I was evil or something too. I’m glad, I don’t know if you wrote about when you got back or the things that went on with Spike but I’m really glad I didn’t read about them. The Angel stuff scarred me enough- not that it’s your fault, I did choose to read it after all.

I hated you for a long time Buffy. You left me that year, Mom was gone, Dad was useless and as much as everyone tried they weren’t you. I hated that you took away what I was meant for; I was made to open and close that portal and you just jumped in and saved the day telling me to live because it was brave. What did you do? You died! I hated you for making me feel so alone that I slept next to a robot for months because she looked so much like you. I hated you because you gave up after you promised mom you’d take care of me. You shoved me off on your friends because you had to save the world, you had to save me. Don’t get me wrong Buffy, I didn’t want to die, I still don’t want to die but I hated you so much for taking away that choice. The thing I hated you most for though? I knew you weren’t lying when you said I was real, that I was yours; but when you jumped off that tower it didn’t matter anymore. I hated you because you were impossible not to love.

When you came back I was so ashamed of it. No one would even mention your name around me except Spike; he’s the only one who didn’t just pretend like the world was normal.

That year I kept hating you because it seemed easier than trying to figure out what was wrong. I was so mad all the time. After we got music happy and you told us you’d been in heaven; God I was so angry! Angry at you for not telling me, angry at Willow, Xander, Tara & Anya for bringing you back. I was angry at Spike because I didn’t exist to him much anymore. You were such a shadow of yourself Buffy and then when I found out about you and Spike? You know I had a thing for him right? It hurt in that irrational teenage angst way that seems so huge until you’re far away from it. Then I found out what he did and I tried to hate him and I tried to forgive you for the whole year because at that moment all I wanted to do was make sure you were ok.

Then Willow tried to end the world and I was so sure you were upset because it hadn’t ended. You weren’t there Buffy; I know I didn’t see you, I didn’t see your pain because I was too wrapped up in my own but God you weren’t there. I almost wish the bot was back because I hadn’t felt any comfort in such a long time.

That summer things changed. You changed and I started seeing you again, the real you and then everything fell apart but you were so strong through all of it. You were doing everything you could and I was so proud of you. At the end though things were so wrong, everything was wrong and I felt like you were slipping away again. You’d changed, you didn’t have warmth in your eyes anymore and I was scared.

So we usurped you, threw you out of the house because half the slayers didn’t want to be lead by you and I agreed with them because honestly Buffy? I was afraid of you. You would have slit my throat and bled me dry if you thought that would have stopped the first and I knew it; I was afraid you’d take the choice away again. When it was all over, you weren’t the same. You still aren’t the same but I see you again, in your eyes there’s fire and passion and love when it seemed so lacking before.

I was always in your shadow Buffy. I’m always going to be in your shadow no matter what you think about it. I’ve accepted that, I’m always going to be Buffy’s little sister and for once in my life I’m completely ok with that; because I’m proud to be your sister, to be made from you. I’m sorry for reading your diary, for holding on to hate, for kicking you out and being afraid; but I can’t take any of those things back.

There something I never tell you enough. Beyond it all, everything we’ve been through and the range of emotions associated with the past. I love you Buffy. Because of you? I know I’m real.


Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Muse: Dawn Summers
Word Count: 1,026
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Faith Lehane: Even the Stars [pretty windswept]msattentionspan on January 9th, 2006 08:53 am (UTC)
ooc obviously
So good.

Poor Dawn stuck with all that, and now even confused in her current situation too.
Dawn Summersanewdawn on January 9th, 2006 09:14 am (UTC)
Re: ooc obviously
-beams- Thank you!

And seriously though, my poor girls so angsty here!!! -pets her-
(Deleted comment)
Buffy Anne Summerssummers_day on January 9th, 2006 06:19 pm (UTC)
wow, this is terrific Dawn-meta!

sorry I haven't been around much for RP, but I'm getting back in the swing of things with Buffy. would Dawn like to meet up for a cup of coffee? Buffy is just starting back at college, and is nervous about it. Dawn might be able to big-sister her for a while.